a moment to pause

This morning when I got in my car to head out on my day without the kids to recharge and reconnect with myself, my phone auto connected to the bluetooth and these words made their way through my speakers: 

I find that I am safe and warm 

In your loving arms 

You see me 

You know me

You love me through and through 

Although I have heard this song numerous times before, it was the simplicity of them that struck me today. The simple ideas conveyed in these few stanzas are powerful if you actually take a moment to let them soak in.

I wanna consider these words in the context of a marriage relationship for a moment. To think that someone sees you each day, each moment, each second. They see you in your worst moments, the moments when you lash out at your 2 year old and immediately are overwhelmed with guilt, the moments when you are debilitated by the weight of sadness from hurt, the moments when you are taking out your frustration on them for nothing they have done. They see you. They see you in the moments of your greatest joy, like when you realize you can button your pre-pregnancy jeans again (all the momma said AMEN), or when you find your calling in life through your work and are so filled up by the moments you capture for others, and even when you are so caught up in love with your sweet family and can’t help but start a dance party while making dinner. They see you too. They see you in all the moments in between and they watch you cope, evaluate, and grow through every season of life. 

Through this vision, they come to know the truest version of you that exists. The you that you are at your core that you think no one else could ever see, is not only seen by your spouse, but is also known. They know you. They know the ways that you respond in moments of conflict, they know the way your heart feels when certain news reaches your ears, they know your heart and your intentions in the things you do that are so much deeper than what others might see. They know what you are thinking just by the look on your face and can often guess what you are going to say in a situation. They know (as much as you’ve let them into) your deeper heart. Quick plug here, if you are reading this and you feel like you have no idea what this feels like, take a moment and heart check yourself. While it takes 2 to know each other deeply, one of you has to be the first to open the door and let the other in. It takes vulnerability to be known at this depth, but it is so worth it once you get past the initial shock of what it feels like to let someone in completely. Being known is such a gift and I hope you experience this depth of relationship with your spouse. 

It is one thing to be seen, another to be known, but to be loved in spite of those two precursors is the real ticket. We all know that we have our own gunk that lies deep within us and we feel that if someone really knew it, they would run. Far. It is within this concept that the idea of marriage is born. You choose each other in the fullness of who they are at the altar and every day that comes after. The wedding day is the first day that you formally declare that you will choose this person. The real grit of marriage is found each day after the wedding. It is the question of if you will, in fact, continue to wake up despite what each day brings out of one another and choose your spouse again. This type of love is forbearing and deepens with each passing day. As you see each other and know each other, you have to then choose to love each other in light of what you have seen and come to know about your person. To be loved by your spouse is so much more than the lovey dovey honeymoon phase, but it grows into the depths of your being and becomes an automatic response when things get hard. When you hear news you didn't expect, when old wounds continue to be reopened, when you feel like you’ve been giving it your all for nothing in return, you have a choice. A choice to love or a choice to let bitterness fester. I hope you choose love. To be the recipient of this kind of love in a relationship is one of life’s greatest treasures. It is also one of the sweetest gifts to give. 

From this place of being seen, known, and loved, comes safety. Your spouse becomes your safe space. They become your barrier in the storms of life. They become your greatest cheerleader when you take risks. They become your comedic relief, your shoulder to cry on, and your arms to come home to each night. They are the most real definition of safety we can come to know and understand. 

BUT. 

Sometimes, we put too much weight on our relationships with our spouses and expect them to be the ones who can keep us afloat. We think they are the only thing that can fill us up everyday and we feel angst when they choose to do things for themselves instead of us. For us women, the need we feel for our husbands to need us can be overwhelming and exhausting if it continues to feel unmet. This is where I want to shift the context we view these words to a relationship with God.

I find that I am safe and warm 

In your loving arms 

You see me 

You know me

You love me through and through 

For me, my relationship with God fills in all the empty spaces my spouse cannot and was not made to fill. To take it one step further, I would argue that to experience your relationship with God in the ways I just described with our spouses is infinitely better and more fulfilling. Hear this: there is a God who sees you, knows you, and loves you better than your spouse ever can or will. Our spouses were not made to fulfill us, but to give us a small taste of what our Heavenly Father offers us in the context of a relationship. He desires a real and deep relationship with us. He longs to reveal to us how He sees us, how He knows us, and how He has always loved us. There have been so many moments in my marriage journey where I have felt the weight of how my need for my husband has overwhelmed him and been too much for him to bear. It is in those moments that I need to step back and evaluate if my heart is running to him instead of to God to be seen, known, and loved. My best seasons in marriage as a wife and a mom have come when I am fully looking to God first to see me, know me, and love me, because it is out of that overflow that I am able to give my husband what he needs from me without asking for more than he is expected to give in return.

My husband is the bee's kneez. He is the best definition of a friend I have ever experienced in human form. I will sing his praises for the rest of my life. He is the greatest gift God has given me here on earth. But he can only ever be that. He is the gift. If he is the gift, then I must offer more of my praise to the one who gave me this gift, and keep them in that order in my heart. 

This morning, as I am stepping away from the mundane, chaotic, emotionally taxing rhythm of motherhood and working in my moments in between, I feel so refreshed by the sweet reminder that God sees me. He sees the ways I am feeling heavy and need more fuel to continue. He sees the ways that I am filled up and am ready to give more. He sees the ways I am hurting and am struggling with how to cope. He sees me.

He knows me. He knows my thoughts as I am processing heavy things. He knows my heart towards my sweet kids and how badly I want to be a good mom. He knows my desire to help my husband feel loved and respected. He knows how much I long to see restoration in so many areas of my life. He knows me. 

His vision and knowledge of me compounds into a love that is greater that I can ever fully process or comprehend. It’s where these words are born. It's rooted in a desire to explain to the world the abundance of peace I experience when I take the time to rest in who He is and who He says I am. I am better because I am seen, known and loved by God. 

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I have a tattoo on my hand that says “Selah”, which means to pause or reflect. I got this tattoo a few months before I had a miscarriage with my first child. God was breathing this word into my life before one of the toughest seasons I have endured to date. This word has become a constant reminder to me to pause and reflect on who God is, what he has brought me though, and who he is making me to be. Taking these moments to reflect on the simplicity of being known by God are so powerful for me in my walk. I don’t always feel extremely energized in my faith, but it's through taking these moments to pause, that growth is seen. That depth is felt. As a creative, I need that feeling of depth to fuel my work or else it starts to feel hollow. So, here’s to God, knowing what words I needed this morning to fuel this time of recharging. Quite honestly, I had planned to come to this coffee shop today, but I had not really planned what my time would consist of. Leave it to God to fill the space we provide for him to fill. I hope these words encourage you in your own journey of marriage, your spiritual pursuits, and your own personal growth.